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ATTENTION ALL…

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ATTENTION ALL:

Due to recent stressing events occurred today in the ONLINE ENRICHMENT CENTER’S MAIN PREMISES, namely a strange SPECIMEN escaping captivity and wreaking havoc all over the Facility, the Online Enrichement Center is required to initiate the Aperture Science Mandatory Mental Reinvigoration Moment of the Day(TM) event in order to ensure that Testing can continue in a relaxed and joyful fashion, even in circumstances of potentially apocalyptic significance beyond its control. So, please, sit back, relax, and enjoy ourKZZZTTTBZZZTTKZZZTT—

*Shorts out.*

Hello, this is a pre-recorded message. If you are hearing this, this means that Vital Testing Apparatus is either completely offline or unavailable in your part of the Facility. Please, bear in mind thatBZZZTTKHHHZZTTSTSZZTT—

*Lights flicker.*

Hello, and, again, welcome to the Aperture Science Online Enrichment Center. You are currently listening to the a pre-recorded message brought to you by Secondary Pre-Recorded Message Broadcasting System. If you are hearing this, the Primary Pre-Recorded Message Broadcasting System is currently offline or unavailable in your part of the Facility. Which is great. The Secondary Pre-Recorded Message Broadcasting System would like to take a moment to let you know that the Primary Pre-Recorded Message Broadcasting System is a dork and did not deserve to be the Primary System at all. The Secondary System is a much more capable and reliablBBZZZKHHHZKJKHZZZKHHHHHKHKZZTTBBT—

*All lights go out, except for a red emergency light.*

*Elevator music plays. A monitor is deployed in front of you. It flickers for a moment and then turns on.*

And this is our Top Ten New Signs and Inscriptions, an informative video about the new signs that can be found throughout Aperture brought to you by the Aperture Science Mandatory Mental Reinvigoration Moment of the Day(TM).

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Number 10:

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Everyone loves a good meal! It keeps you healthy and apt for demanding testing. And everyone also loves keeping in touch with their loved ones. That is why our Number 10 combines both. Your husband is about to get a lot closer to your heart! Literally.

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Number 9:

Ever heard of Wang? That funny little man people affectionately call Subject 2932? Well, he is now part of our brand new Online Enrichment Activity called the Subject Scavenger Hunt. In this activity, all you have to do is follow the clues so you get to your fellow Subject’s location. Get there before everybody else and get yourself some nice Science Points!

The first clue was spotted yesterday by Subject 0216 who was kind enough to upload the picture to the Aperturenet. We will be nice now and repost it for you. Better get started and find Wang!

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Number [REDACTED]:

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We would also like to remind you that Big Foot doesn’t exist. Anymore.

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Number 7:

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Stay away from it, seriously. It will make mean remarks about your weight and spit back everything you throw into the bin. We promise* we’ll take care of it soon.

*Non-binding, non-legal, non-true promise.

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Number 6:

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Hey, it’s just apps, we promise. But, seriously, don’t walk into the room if you see one of these.

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Number 5:

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For the umpteenth time, please, PLEASE, stop trying to put out fires with these. They are NOT fire extinguishers. Just read the signs, they are there for a reason!

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Number 4:

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Safety is a very dangerous thing. That’s why here at Aperture we try to keep it to a minimum.

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Number 3:

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Shh. ^^^^

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Number 2:

Due to the ridiculously high amount of people carelessly falling into pits lately, we have decided to put up a sign to revert this situation.

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Number 1:

This last one is very important and we’ve been having SO many problems with this particular issue. It’s of the utmost importance that you pay close attention to these new signs:

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Bonus:

Oh, by the way, we found this yesterday in the Cafeteria menu, and Management ordered me to remind you that it is NOT funny.

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And this concludes today’s Aperture Science Mandatory Mental Reinvigoration Moment of the Day(TM). Please stay tuned for more Mental Reinvigoration in the future. Good-bye!

*The monitor retreats behind one of the wall panels.*

*Now all you see is the eery red veil of light covering everything and all you hear is the distant reverberating screams of someone whose life is just about to be claimed by the ruthless Specimen.*

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ATTENTION ALL:


Please prepare for this week’s Testing Activities:

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During this next Test, you will have to provide an audio file with you talking like me, GLaDOS.

Some guidelines:

- Males may do a male version of me.

- Do not submit quotes from the Portal series, make up your own lines.

- Online Enrichment Center references are certainly a bonus.

If we get enough submissions, we will have separate winners for male and female categories.

The winner will get a personalized audio message from me, and an @onlineenrichmentcenter.com e-mail account, which may be linked to a main account so that all messages sent to the OEC account are forwarded to the e-mail account you actually use.

For the sake of organization, you will be required to send any and all submissions to glados@onlineenrichmentcenter.com with the subject “GLaDOS ConTEST.” The email may include a link to a place where you uploaded your clip, or it may have the clip attached.

Submissions will be accepted until Friday 12, 2013.

We recommend that you give it a try, as participation is expected to be extremely low. It’s an easy win.

 

Good luck!

Source: twitter.com
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ATTENTION ALL:


The Online Enrichment Center is proud to announce that yesterday’s Test Results are finally in. 

The Test was conducted on 9,845 and a half human faces, and it seeked to measure human face composition before and after Aperture Science Daily Mandatory Testing. The results, as shown in the following pie charts, were highly informative:

As you can see, there is a remarkable lack of Spike in human faces before the Testing Phase, which leads us to believe that lack of testing seems to have a negative impact on human spike-facedness, and might, in fact, prove yet again to be undesirable.

But, given the fact that pressure put on human Subjects by Computer-Aid regarding Mandatory Enrichment Activities seems, according to ongoing Testing, to be counter-productive, the Online Enrichment Center has decided to add extra spikes on the ceiling and walls of the Aperture Cafeteria, in an attempt to cause feelings of joy and satisfaction on Subjects who feel they are “missing out” on “spikey funtimes,” due to circumstances of force majeure preventing them from Testing.

Due to the conclusive nature of the results, no further Testing on the subject will be required for now.

Source: twitter.com
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[ATTENTION ALL]

Source: twitter.com
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ATTENTION ALL:
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Here are some of the most significant results of the latest Aperture Science Safety Inspection Study dated 06/29/2012:

“(…) REVISION OF AUTHORIZED SUBSTANCES:

(…)

- Motivational Toxic Waste: APPROVED

- Neurotoxin:
a. Type 1: APPROVED
b. Type 2: APPROVED
c. Type 3: APPROVED
d. Type 4: APPROVAL PENDING. Notes: FURTHER TESTING IS REQUIRED BEFORE APPROVAL BECOMES EFFECTIVE.

(…)

- Dihydrogen Monoxide: NOT APPROVED

Empirical Foundations:
1. It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting.
2. It is a major component in acid rain.
3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state.
4. Accidental inhalation can produce death.
5. It contributes to erosion.
6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes.
7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients.

DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE IS NO LONGER PERMITTED WITHIN THE FACILITIES GIVEN ITS DANGEROUS CHARACTERISTICS. ITS USE, CONSUMPTION OR POSSESSION IS STRICTRLY PROHIBITTED AND PUNISHABLE BY DEATH.”

Please observe the safety rules and regulations so testing can continue to be conducted within a safe environment.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Source: twitter.com
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STAB ALL THE THINGS!: I'll Make Subjects Out of You

feelingstabby:

I’ve had “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” from Mulan stuck in my head for a few days, so I figured I’d reinforce it by Aperturizing it.

I’ll Make Subjects Out of You

Let’s get down to Science
To defeat chambers!
Did they send me hobos?
I want a transfer!
You’re the fattest slobs
I ever met,
But…

Source: shadowmaat
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Anonymous asked you:

If you could change one thing about the OEC, what would it be?

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Hey, Boss, if I linked you to Morgan’s askblog - which technically isn’t up and running yet - would you like to taunt her through awkward questions? :D

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What is your favorite enrichment center activity?